Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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