i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
