come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
