If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
