Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
