I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
