My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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