I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it because I queefed?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
