I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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