i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
