I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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