I feel like abortions should bother me more
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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