I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
