I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
