apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
