Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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