I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
