Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
