I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
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Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
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