What a fucking waste of an outfit
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
