i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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