4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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