the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
