I think I am morally bankrupt
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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