I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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