I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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