Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
