Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
