Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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