i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
