Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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