I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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