I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
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I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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