Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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