There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
