New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
