Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
