bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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