Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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