Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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