My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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