Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
