i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
