I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
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Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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