he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
