Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
