Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize