I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course