things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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