My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize