Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
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Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire