My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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