I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i out mim tonsoeep
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