So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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