I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
