I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
