i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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