he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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